Gentle Reader, from my previous rambling’s you will
hopefully be aware that despite much chatter about Code Browns and Chucky teeth,
LP is and will always remain, incredibly
cute. Sadly cuteness is no indicator of one's daughters potential to remain
under the radar of the Criminal Justice System.
This is a small pearl of wisdom which I believe should have been
imparted by YM way before things got out of hand. Perhaps YM was less than
proactive in nipping this behaviour in the bud as she is aware that it will be
me alone who will succumb to this
cuteness now and in later life and allow our daughter to twist me, her Demented
Daddy, round her little finger. It will
be me alone who will have the bottomless wallet to pay bail money and fines as
well as provide the obligatory free late night taxi service.
As you know, YM and I could be considered not to be in the
first flushes of youth. YM’s drooling over Donny Osmond and her love of Craniology
would demonstrate this fact. Clearly (Hmmmmm) both YM and I have been blessed
with youthful good looks. This is perhaps indicative of the fact that we have
not had a family until now and if we had we would need slightly more than a
motivational speech to turn our perma-frowns upside down.
As for Craniology, well, admittedly this is indeed a strange
hobby for anyone in the 21st Century to actively pursue, however,
consider the fact that YM is the world’s numero uno Donny fan and is in the
Guinness Book of records for owning the largest collection of thimbles from
countries beginning with D, then you will understand why YM sitting polishing
her Craniometer of a winters evening is not outwith the realms of reality.
The pursuit of measuring a person’s facial features in an
attempt to ‘scientifically’ measure their likelihood of committing an offence (Craniology
to you and I) is, perhaps, not practiced widely around these parts or indeed
this century. Sadly, YM’s once flourishing career on the checkouts at ASDA was
spectacularly cut short as she attempted to measure the forehead circumferences
of every potential ne'er-do-well and scallywag who passed through her till with
their weekly shop. If YM had adopted the same obsessive behaviour towards LP
she would perhaps have been able to divert her from the path which would lead a
Senior Officer of the Court to advise LP that he did not, ever, want her to
appear in front of him again.
“So DD”, I hear you ask…. “Just what has YM been up too???”
A good question and, if I may say do, well asked.
Long story cut short…. Aye that’ll be right……
Gentle Reader, as you will be aware the story of LP, YM and
DD started a wee while ago now. After much heartache followed by great joy, the
Stork delivered LP to us in last summer. We all grew up together and many
lessons were learned, especially by myself, sometimes quickly (Don’t attempt to
blow bubbles by swallowing Baby Shampoo) and sometimes slowly (attempting to do
up a babygrow from the legs upwards results in spare poppers in the area of
bifurcation). Well the culmination of this growing up together malarkey is that
the Storks have decided that we no longer need them and, after eating their
weight in Mincemeat pie’s just before Christmas, it was agreed that LP would be
able to just ‘hang wid da olds’. As you can imagine this was happy news to YM
and I, although the occasional visitation by the Storks didn’t really bother us
too much and, to be honest, we quite liked them anyway. YM and I enjoyed
showing off LP and were happy that our audience was happy with our collective
ability to be a top notch Mummy and Daddy tag team. Clearly they may have been
some frownie foreheads if they had witnessed LP’s predilection for sharing Spaghetti
with the Hound or my infuriatingly poor attempt to put on a night-time nappy
that would withstand the sweet corn code brown test. Thankfully, none of these
trivialities mattered. All that does is that LP, YM and I continue to grow up
and grow older together as a family with all the ups and downs that brings in
the knowledge that YM and I have the necessary attributes to do this. In truth,
the thought of this has scared me, but I guess every parent feels the same from
time to time… or perhaps a lot of the time. Clearly there is something amazing about being
entrusted with a Little Person’s life. As
for the future, well we can only plan so much. LP will always have family to
care for her and if YM and I find ourselves, one day, to be rocking back and
forth wearing pyjama’s in the day time, watching the world go buy from the
window of or maximum security eventide home, then we can rest assured that
Kirkton Niece will bring LP to visit us in order to create a distraction whist
she steals our supply of Cadbury’s Chocolate Buttons.
Anyhooooo, a wee
while ago YM and I found ourselves pacing back and forward in anticipation of
an appointment at the local Court House with LP. We had been anticipating this day
for a long, long time. That day was finally here.
YM had spent ages choosing an appropriate dress for LP
whilst I had considered wearing my multi-functional Wedding/Funeral/Court suit,
although, thankfully YM had persuaded me not to. YM was being cool as a
cucumber though I suspect she was holding it together for both YM and I. That’s
the way she rolls and I don’t always give her the credit she deserves for her
ability to do this. Her ability to be a calming oasis in the face of hissy fits
and hyperventilation is indeed one of YM’s many strong points.
Today was the day
that YM and I had been working towards for all our lives. The reason we got up
for the past two years and the reason why we kept going despite the twists and
turns which we endured. This was the day that LP legally became ours.
So, booted and not so suited, we headed off to the Court
House and were met on the steps by the Storks. We entered and waited whilst LP
jumped back and forward through the metal detector and the nice young security
man attempted to catch her. Eventually both got fed up of this game and we
headed off to the Chambers.
YM and I sat quietly whilst LP stole everyone’s hearts. We
were ushered into a wee office where the Sherriff waited for us. He ushered us
all in with a dramatic wave and we took our seats in front of him. By way of
breaking the ice the Sherriff lobbed his wig at LP and advised her that it was
a cat. YM and I both copped a feel and were informed that the wig was made from
horse hair. All very interesting, if a little unexpected. As if this didn’t
sweeten the deal the Sherriff then opened the lid of a cut glass bowl and offered LP a Gummy Bear.
When I say Offered LP the emphasis is on LP….. not YM who unceremoniously had
to be restrained by Court Officials for, with sleight of hand, grabbing a fist
full of Gummy Bears before the Sherriff managed to replace the lid on the bowl.
Clearly he won’t make the same mistake next time.
Thankfully this crisis was averted by perjury on my part as
I informed the slightly shaken Sherriff that YM was diabetic and was attempting
in a crude way to overt hypoglycaemia. Composure descended as the Sherriff
leaned forward and advised LP that it was lovely to meet her and that he hoped
never to see her again, at least in a legal sense. I am sure that after the
Gummy Bear incident he did not wish to meet with any of us ever again in any circumstances.
With the flourish of a signature LP became legally ours. In
truth we had become her’s the minute we saw her.
So LP, YM and I said goodbye and thank you to the Storks and
then walked/toddled out of the Court House and into the world. The fantasy of fireworks
or 21 gun salutes was just that. It could never be an anti-climax……
but…..hmmm…Nah, who am I kidding! How do you top a day like this?
Well there is one way……….
As we turned the corner into the street, a clearly over
excited Kirkton Niece came running towards us. After much hugging and happiness
and welcoming of LP officially to the family we all agreed that the only course
of action was to go and eat out collective body weight in ice cream.
Job done J
